For the record, bitch.

You!

Yes, you.

Sorry.

._.

I just want you to know that you're amazing just the way you are, whoever you are. :)

Oh, 'wag mag-assume, marami kasing tao sa mundo.

Kidding. Teeheehee~

Shut Up

Kelan kaya ako matututong manahimik na lang at sarilinin ang lahat ng naiisip ko? Alam ko, masyado akong madaldal, at iyon ay isang napakalaking problema sa sarili ko na hindi ko magawan ng panghabangbuhay na paraan at solusyon. I'm aware na may mga taong nasa paligid ko na may mapagmatiyagang mga mata na maaaring pumansin ng aking mga gawain, pero bakit sadyang napaka-insensitive ko? Gaya ngayon, malamang ay mapupuna na naman itong sinulat kong ito.

Hindi ko rin naman kasi masisisi ang mga tao na magbigay ng di kanais-nais na reaksyon sa mga bagay bagay lalo na't kung napakalabo ng mga pangyayari at sadyang kulang sa tamang paliwanag. Wala naman sa mga intensyon ko sa buhay ang makapanakit ng kapwa, sadyang ito ay parte ng buhay ng bawat tao na mahirap iwasan kahit gaano ka pa kabait. I'm writing everything everything out of random thoughts, kahit ano lang ang maisipan kong i-type ngayon, tinatype ko. I just have to relieve whatever stress I'm having right now.

Naaalala ko tuloy, nung mga unang panahon, whenever I feel something na nakakapagpabagabag ng kalooban ko, I just have to find a random notebook and write everything down, either in iterary form or just random shit. Kaso dumating 'yung time na may nakabasa ng isa kong sinulat about someone, and that was probably the start of my tumaas na level na kadaldalan. Di talaga ako sanay na magsabi sa ibang tao ng mga bumabagabag sa akin, kaya nga maging ako naninibago sa sarili ko ngayon. I wish that I can be the same old Ren na napaka masikreto na tipong walang nakakaalam ng whereabouts ko sa buhay, kung saan napakamalaking misteryo ng personal kong buhay maging sa mata ng mga pinakamalalapit kong kaibigan. Yes, i may look like an extrovert, oo kapag mga public parts ng buhay, pero I like personal stuffs to be kept hidden. May be I should just get a diary at home. Yes yes? I promise I'll try to be back to the same old Ren, kaso baka naman manibago friends ko niyan. As I always say, may isang putang inang _____ na makapagpapabago ng buhay mo. Well, I think I'm better off without the bird-ass mouth. :))

Wala nang time para i-reread pa ito, bahala na lang kung anumang maisip. /wrist I'll probably just reread this some other time. 'Kay, back to whatever I have to do na. :))

Hating and Loving

Yes, you've read it right. If you hate what you do, you're going to do what you hate.

There are lots of things in our lives we get fucked up with. We keep on doing things which we know are wrong, may be simply because we like the feeling we get from t. And doing these wrong things makes us hate those moments, or even ourselves, for not stopping despite knowing it's wrong, after realizing we had a choice. Well, whatever I am saying is not definite.

But hating things we keep on doing is like us being a hypocrite. It's like lying to ourselves, denying our own thoughts. I can't real assume that this is true, but the main reason for hating whatever we keep on doing is that we're only confused with what we like/love to do in our lives. It feels like I'm hating and loving the same thing at once. Maybe that's what I'm experiencing, mere confusion.

I would really like to write something full of emotions regarding my own dilemmas but I guess thinking about so much heartbreaking things keeps me away from letting it all out.

I Miss...

I reread comments on my profile pictures and my messages on Facebook. Then I saw your name a number of times, quite frequently I must say. Oh boy, I'm telling you, it really made me smile as if I'm seeing a very dear friend who's been brought back from the dead lol, but seriously, it left a big smile on my face.

As I reread all of your comments and our messages, I suddenly miss the way how we chatted before, very lively, full of non-sense blahs but I find them very worthwhile. I sent you another message and I hope that will not ruin the friendship we had for almost 2 years.

My guts for your glory. Just kidding, well, it really is my guts in exchange of your like-I-already-know-what-to-expect-from-you answer. Though I'm proud I managed to muster the strength to tell you whatever is necessary to be told. Like what I told you, I hate rejections but it's better to at least try than to live with another regret. This is all because you told me I'm being paranoid. Shit you. :))

Shut Up

The way you speak, it sounds too rude for someone like you. It even makes you look like someone who's trying to sound and look cool. Well, that's just bullshit, honey. I think that you're only making a fool out of your fucking masking self. Or am I just too judgmental? Maybe your trying-hard-to-be-cool attitude is normal of you. Then I can only tell you, you ain't cool, deary, really no way near the coolness you think you have. I hope I can also tell you to just shut your fucking mouth up. But no, I won't tell you that.

Sorry, bitch, this is just how I really am when it comes to things I don't "feel". Booyeah, this is so shit face, mehn.

Train to Nowhere

I'm getting bitchier than the bitch I'm supposed to be. I don't want to share much details. Well, not now, but soon it'll be.

I don't wanna break your heart nor crush your expectations, but there are things that won't leave my train of thoughts. And these things, for how I see them, make me so different from who I was before.

I remembered someone's promise, but that was more than a year ago, and I'm not sure if that someone will fulfill it, promises are meant to be broken anyway. Another is someone's voice repeatedly playing in my head, I think I'm starting to adore that someone more than before. Aside from these two, I keep on doings things I am not supposed to. The pastor's preaching today is like a big bitch slap for me. Lastly, someone said something which made me think about it, whether it was serious, figurative or just an expression.

These thoughts make me feel like I'm having a fight with myself, somehow. I'd rather have someone else to bitch-out than make myself go crazy like this. Well, it feels like I'm only playing with lots of random stuff. I hope someone can bitch-talk me out of this mess I got myself into.

My friends know that I lose my train of thought easily, but here's one fully loaded train.

Random Blah

Today...

Before lunch, I saw a guy at school, kinilig naman ako. I saw him talking to guy and a girl beside him. The girl moved a little, then... Ay! Magkaholding hands. Sayang, akala ko pa naman may bago na akong crush.

After lunch, I saw someone I shouldn't see. Like I always do, I tried to hide from that someone.

On my way back home, I saw someone walking along the Nakpil street. Someone I hated never liked during my 4th year high school days.

Just now, I saw someone's profile picture on facebook. Curious, I viewed that person's profile to have a better view of the person with him/her. Pissed, I viewed that person's other profile pictures. Now, seeing that person's face (also the series of comments on one of his/her photos) only ruined my okay day.

I just knew the perfect way how to ruin my day. Boo.

Dilemma

I'm having a "small-time" dilemma. I'm thinking of telling something to someone. But telling it to that person may either be for the "good" or for the worse. The bad thing is, the worse part is more likely to happen, and I don't and will never want to face that consequence waiting for me if I failed this mission of mine.

I knoooow, I'm too vague. :))

Sheez, I really wanna tell. :)) Well, should I? :D

Drugged

You + your voice + that song = my greatest drug

Masyado akong kinikilig. Sorry naman. It's just too pretty. Hearing your voice repeatedly singing that same song makes me fall in love with you more. ♥

Only, I wish you knew about it. But I guess this is how it really should be for us. :)

Love... What is love? Love is to love someonefor who they are, who they were, and who they will be.

-Chris Moore

‎"Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will."

Stalking

New profile pic's up, so I started stalking his photos again. This time, I'm not as much as kilig as before, pero kilig pa din. lol Anyway, his looks changed, I like him more before, well, I rarely saw him last year kaya baka nanibago lang ako masyado sa itsura niya ngayon. I miss seeing him dance. lol He's not that gwapo, even my friends say so. Hindi rin naman ako talaga nagkakacrush ng bongga sa mga gwapo. :)) Sige, crush ko pa din. Pero hanggang crush lang talaga 'tong kalantungan na ito. :))

I'll Never Get Tired

I'll never get tired of listening to you.

Disney by Tanya Markova

I've had this LSS with you for so long now. ♥

Best Wishes!

May it be true love or lust, marriage is not an easy thing you can just decide to enter and decide to leave. 'Cause in marriage, there's no turning back. >:)

This morning, an old classmate and friend got married with a guy I am not acquainted with. I think she just turned 18 last year. Anyway, if I am not mistaken, she gave birth to a child at the age of 16. I wouldn't know the marriage thing if my ex-suitor didn't ask me if I'll go. But it's Sunday, and I have church activities and errands from mum so I wan't able to attend their pag-iisang dibdib.

To my point of view, my friend's too young for marriage and especially for being a mum, she could have enjoyed the teenage life more. You may call it love, but marriage is not a quick proof to this. Some people think that marriage is an easy way out from hardships and problems in a teenage life, but no, marriage is a lifetime commitment with no escape. Wouldn't it be easier to just wake up in the morning, go to school and meet friends, rather than wake up early, go to work, feed your family and attend to your responsibilities at home as a wife/husband, parent and daughter/son? Where you pay school for your own advantage so you can slack off anytime since you're paying the institution with your money, on the other hand, in having a job, you are paid for your effort and hard work, so you can't just slack off 'cause your every move is what the institution is paying. Though I'm not really against early marriage, just saying that married life would be easier if you've already finished your studies, have a stable job and already independent when it comes to your new family's responsibilities.

Anyway, best wishes to you and your husband! Sa susunod na lang regalo ko sa inyo. :))

A Great Start

Last night was special, night of January 1st. I sent messages to some special people to thank them for making my previous year a really really great one. Now this particular person always replies with much much better special messages. Kung ma-drama na ako sa mga mensahe ko sa text, well, di hamak na mas ma-drama ang dating niya. Can't blame him though, he's just probably too good with people (or maybe not).

This person and I had big time misunderstandings the previous year, we tried to fix it, but everything won't go back to normal. Yes, we're still friends, but not as close as before, and honestly, I miss those times when we were still close. I love the way we LOL at things, try to kill each other's boredom, etc etc. Those were what was in the message I sent him.

His reply last year brought smile to my face which makes me want to read it over and over, but this year, his reply was more than special. I'm not sure if it's really what his heart wanted to say, but it really brought a big big smile to my face, 'yung tipo bang lagpasan pa sa abot tainga. Just like his other replies, I want to read it over and over until I satisfy myself with such happiness, only it also has a different twist which burns inside. Words can't probably explain how I felt the first time I read it, or maybe I just find it hard to express such a blissful feeling. It feels good to feel warmth from that person again. Maybe text messages may not really be an elaborate way to show the real feelings, it may even mask true feelings of the sender, but the different joy it brings to the reader is priceless. Yes, "my heart is in the palm of your hand," 'cause you made it go like cre-e-ei-zy last night.

Sorry, but I just had to share this warm, happy feeling. :">

Jealous

Sorry, but I'm not sure whether it's Jealous or Gelus.

"Are you familiar with Jealous' story? The love story of Jealous and Misa from Deathnote," a friend told me one night. He asked me to watch a video since I was not familiar with the story. Here's link to the short video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mdcv5vXOliw

It's a story of a Death God, Jealous, who fell in love with a human girl, Misa. He always quietly watched Misa from the Death God world. On the day that Misa was fated to die, he wrote on his death notebook the name of the guy who was about to kill Misa. Misa's fate was the changed, but Jealous died for doing something a Death God is not supposed to do.

That very dear friend greeted me with "Broken-hearted ako ngayon" on the 1st of January 2011. He told me that he liked this girl for 5 years, but everything was wasted. He felt like he's Jealous and that girl's Misa. I told him to make kwento but he said that he has no plans of telling it to anyone.

Relating himself to the story, I felt bad for him. Well, isn't it a common story? Doesn't anyone has an experience quite similar to Jealous' story? We've probably all, if not all then most, had heartbreaks especially with someone we've been longing for so long. We sacrifice a lot for the person, even without being noticed by the person. We don't really care if the person thanks us for all we've done, but it actually hurts, the fact that the person doesn't give a shit to it at all. I know 'cause I've felt that kind of pain, too. But if we put all the pieces of the story together there is no one to blame for this, ourselves sometimes, 'cause we are not the only one who solely suffer from the pain, maybe that person suffers too, secretly watching over the person he/she likes. I guess the best advice I could have given to my friend is "Don't be selfish, learn to wait, maybe your 5 years wasn't enough, besides maybe she was just waiting for you to make a move, but you didn't 'cause you were too afraid of rejection. Remember, rejection is better than regrets from never trying at all."