For the record, bitch.

You!

Yes, you.

Sorry.

._.

I just want you to know that you're amazing just the way you are, whoever you are. :)

Oh, 'wag mag-assume, marami kasing tao sa mundo.

Kidding. Teeheehee~

Shut Up

Kelan kaya ako matututong manahimik na lang at sarilinin ang lahat ng naiisip ko? Alam ko, masyado akong madaldal, at iyon ay isang napakalaking problema sa sarili ko na hindi ko magawan ng panghabangbuhay na paraan at solusyon. I'm aware na may mga taong nasa paligid ko na may mapagmatiyagang mga mata na maaaring pumansin ng aking mga gawain, pero bakit sadyang napaka-insensitive ko? Gaya ngayon, malamang ay mapupuna na naman itong sinulat kong ito.

Hindi ko rin naman kasi masisisi ang mga tao na magbigay ng di kanais-nais na reaksyon sa mga bagay bagay lalo na't kung napakalabo ng mga pangyayari at sadyang kulang sa tamang paliwanag. Wala naman sa mga intensyon ko sa buhay ang makapanakit ng kapwa, sadyang ito ay parte ng buhay ng bawat tao na mahirap iwasan kahit gaano ka pa kabait. I'm writing everything everything out of random thoughts, kahit ano lang ang maisipan kong i-type ngayon, tinatype ko. I just have to relieve whatever stress I'm having right now.

Naaalala ko tuloy, nung mga unang panahon, whenever I feel something na nakakapagpabagabag ng kalooban ko, I just have to find a random notebook and write everything down, either in iterary form or just random shit. Kaso dumating 'yung time na may nakabasa ng isa kong sinulat about someone, and that was probably the start of my tumaas na level na kadaldalan. Di talaga ako sanay na magsabi sa ibang tao ng mga bumabagabag sa akin, kaya nga maging ako naninibago sa sarili ko ngayon. I wish that I can be the same old Ren na napaka masikreto na tipong walang nakakaalam ng whereabouts ko sa buhay, kung saan napakamalaking misteryo ng personal kong buhay maging sa mata ng mga pinakamalalapit kong kaibigan. Yes, i may look like an extrovert, oo kapag mga public parts ng buhay, pero I like personal stuffs to be kept hidden. May be I should just get a diary at home. Yes yes? I promise I'll try to be back to the same old Ren, kaso baka naman manibago friends ko niyan. As I always say, may isang putang inang _____ na makapagpapabago ng buhay mo. Well, I think I'm better off without the bird-ass mouth. :))

Wala nang time para i-reread pa ito, bahala na lang kung anumang maisip. /wrist I'll probably just reread this some other time. 'Kay, back to whatever I have to do na. :))

Hating and Loving

Yes, you've read it right. If you hate what you do, you're going to do what you hate.

There are lots of things in our lives we get fucked up with. We keep on doing things which we know are wrong, may be simply because we like the feeling we get from t. And doing these wrong things makes us hate those moments, or even ourselves, for not stopping despite knowing it's wrong, after realizing we had a choice. Well, whatever I am saying is not definite.

But hating things we keep on doing is like us being a hypocrite. It's like lying to ourselves, denying our own thoughts. I can't real assume that this is true, but the main reason for hating whatever we keep on doing is that we're only confused with what we like/love to do in our lives. It feels like I'm hating and loving the same thing at once. Maybe that's what I'm experiencing, mere confusion.

I would really like to write something full of emotions regarding my own dilemmas but I guess thinking about so much heartbreaking things keeps me away from letting it all out.

I Miss...

I reread comments on my profile pictures and my messages on Facebook. Then I saw your name a number of times, quite frequently I must say. Oh boy, I'm telling you, it really made me smile as if I'm seeing a very dear friend who's been brought back from the dead lol, but seriously, it left a big smile on my face.

As I reread all of your comments and our messages, I suddenly miss the way how we chatted before, very lively, full of non-sense blahs but I find them very worthwhile. I sent you another message and I hope that will not ruin the friendship we had for almost 2 years.

My guts for your glory. Just kidding, well, it really is my guts in exchange of your like-I-already-know-what-to-expect-from-you answer. Though I'm proud I managed to muster the strength to tell you whatever is necessary to be told. Like what I told you, I hate rejections but it's better to at least try than to live with another regret. This is all because you told me I'm being paranoid. Shit you. :))

Shut Up

The way you speak, it sounds too rude for someone like you. It even makes you look like someone who's trying to sound and look cool. Well, that's just bullshit, honey. I think that you're only making a fool out of your fucking masking self. Or am I just too judgmental? Maybe your trying-hard-to-be-cool attitude is normal of you. Then I can only tell you, you ain't cool, deary, really no way near the coolness you think you have. I hope I can also tell you to just shut your fucking mouth up. But no, I won't tell you that.

Sorry, bitch, this is just how I really am when it comes to things I don't "feel". Booyeah, this is so shit face, mehn.

Train to Nowhere

I'm getting bitchier than the bitch I'm supposed to be. I don't want to share much details. Well, not now, but soon it'll be.

I don't wanna break your heart nor crush your expectations, but there are things that won't leave my train of thoughts. And these things, for how I see them, make me so different from who I was before.

I remembered someone's promise, but that was more than a year ago, and I'm not sure if that someone will fulfill it, promises are meant to be broken anyway. Another is someone's voice repeatedly playing in my head, I think I'm starting to adore that someone more than before. Aside from these two, I keep on doings things I am not supposed to. The pastor's preaching today is like a big bitch slap for me. Lastly, someone said something which made me think about it, whether it was serious, figurative or just an expression.

These thoughts make me feel like I'm having a fight with myself, somehow. I'd rather have someone else to bitch-out than make myself go crazy like this. Well, it feels like I'm only playing with lots of random stuff. I hope someone can bitch-talk me out of this mess I got myself into.

My friends know that I lose my train of thought easily, but here's one fully loaded train.

Random Blah

Today...

Before lunch, I saw a guy at school, kinilig naman ako. I saw him talking to guy and a girl beside him. The girl moved a little, then... Ay! Magkaholding hands. Sayang, akala ko pa naman may bago na akong crush.

After lunch, I saw someone I shouldn't see. Like I always do, I tried to hide from that someone.

On my way back home, I saw someone walking along the Nakpil street. Someone I hated never liked during my 4th year high school days.

Just now, I saw someone's profile picture on facebook. Curious, I viewed that person's profile to have a better view of the person with him/her. Pissed, I viewed that person's other profile pictures. Now, seeing that person's face (also the series of comments on one of his/her photos) only ruined my okay day.

I just knew the perfect way how to ruin my day. Boo.