One Step Closer...

It actually even came to this moment that I have to visit this online journal again and write my thoughts down. For the record, I think I only do this when I am so bothered with something that I wouldn't be able to let a day pass without transforming these oh-so-random emotions into words. It has already been quite long enough since I felt writing something down, and actually did write it down. So here it goes...

I just realized, I actually have been eyeing on you for quite some time already. I never thought that you'd be interested, too, in a kind of serious way as I may assume. It also didn't cross my mind that it'll deepen into a connection such as this. And now, it has finally come to this point. With this situation in my hands, I always ask myself, "Is this right? Is it right to let this go on?" With differences that may set boundaries between us, it is a bit hard to think it over repeatedly. Especially with the fact that I may be a pretentious bitch sometimes.

You see, it somehow bothers me how your absence annoys me in an indescribable way. And the thought of me being annoyed with it makes me even more annoyed. Could this be a sign that I long for your everlasting company? Well, so much for everlasting. I wonder if this'll be a happy ending.

I have always been afraid to let my real emotions, in relation to this certain matter, be seen by anyone else but myself. I can't really say that you're making me vulnerable to things like these, rather you make me softer than my usual self. Okay... this doesn't mean that you make me feel special nor do I feel that you're special. It's just that as long as I am having fun, I'll think of it as something worth trying. As I do not want to put labels into things, and I hope you'll understand, I guess I'll enjoy whatever we have now. And maybe we'll take things slowly to see what its real worth is. For now, I dedicate this song to you.

Love need not to be reciprocated.

I don't know what is wrong with myself, but I am liking again the same person I used to like way back to a couple of years ago. But the feeling seems to be deepened and it may be because we've both grew more mature over the years. However, this bullshit feeling should not even materialize back since the reason I couldn't let the feeling persist back then is still the same reason why I am trying to dematerialize this feeling now. But, love need not be reciprocated, eh? But if I choose this path of unrequitted love, I am only hurting myself more, now that the distance between us is as little as it can be, or so I think it is.

So many ifs and buts in my head right now, but one thing is for sure, I enjoy whatever we are now and will try to make the best out of it. It's more fun to give, eh? But the glorious feeling when receiving it back will always be, of course, non-comparable.

Anywaaaay, to segue from this drama queen aura, I think I'm liking this new "close" friend I have. And it's a really good thing that we've gone closer and closer. Too bad he's a year younger and it's making me think that I am some kind of pedophile, or maybe not since he'll be 18 in no time. You think that you are this kiddo who I am talking about? Hmm.. maybe. :p Nonetheless, I will try my very best to be the nicest bitch to him, since I think that I am not very ate-like to him. Good thing that I'm not bro-zoned.

P.S. Whenever you call, baby, I roll up... I can be your best friend, and you be my homie.

Dopey in Star Wars

Just when Dopey from Snow White got into the Star Wars film... And yes, it did not make any sense at all.

Regrets will always shoot you in the head after some time when everything seems to be just as fine as it can be. This week, I am suffering from a terribly ultimate dumbness (Well, I can't say it's a mistake... so dumbness it is.) I had way back in my freshman days. And instead of preparing for it now, here I am, in front of the laptop, just to write this bullshit down. I am still thankful that life has been good to me, for giving me this third chance already. I just hope I'll do well enough to pass through this mishap this coming Friday. If not, then kill me, please.

Contristati

Cant say I dont love him
Still I cant pretend
That my heart is torn just knowing that Im losing my bestfriend
If its easier said and done
Then someone tell me why
Though I try,
I cant find the words to say goodbye

I could tell him that Im sorry
Hope he’ll understand
He will have to do with someone else
All that we have planned
Id rather him hear the truth
Than hurt him with a lie
So I tried,
But I cant find the words to say goodbye

Now I know
I have to go
Theres no other way
But goodbye is not what I can bring myself to say…

If I told him “see you later”
Then I might be wrong
cause this voice inside is driving me
To find where I belong
I know I must leave her now but everytime I try,
Dont know why,
Ibut I cant find the words to say goodbye…
Dont know why,
I cant find the words to say goodbye….

-Can't Find The Words To Say Goodbye, Nina

So if you think everything's over, think again, pal. I'd rather not consider anything as an ending, rather it's a new beginning; but probably of the same path we took from the very start, since in life, there is no turning back. Dramas of life is collectively a never-ending cycle of stories. Even if you grow tired of it, it'll happen and happen again only with a new twist. If you're reading this now, rather still visiting this site anymore, then this is for you. The song says it all, need I say more?

Keeps Me Alive

Lately, I'm having sleepless difficult nights thinking about things I cannot learn to forget. It is true that learning makes things easier to comprehend, but so does complexity is to set its pace along with the quantity of what we are to know. I think that knowing too much just makes your life more complicated as compared to how it was before. Sorry, but this is just for my point of view based on how I am feeling right now.

The thought of you alone keeps me awake, now everything else I am bound to know keeps me ecstatic. Just like a gallon of ecstasy flowing in my veins, keeping me alive from a comatose, with a score of 3 in a coma scale.

I wish I never knew some things from the start, 'coz in the end, it'll only keep me hurting knowing more about the things I think I should know, but I feel that I don't want to know. I hope this fucking world, so are us, can just shut up and make everyone live happily ever after. The end.

Your Hell, Your Dream

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover,

I'm a child, I'm a mother,

I'm a sinner, I'm a saint,

I do not feel ashamed.

I'm your hell, I'm your dream,

I'm nothing in between.

You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

So take me as I am.

This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man...

...When you hurt, When you suffer,

I'm your angel undercover

I've been numb, I'm revived,

Can't say I'm not alive.

You know I wouldn't want it any other way.

-I'm a Bitch, Meredith Brooks/Alanis Morissette

I love this song. And when I say I love it, I feel it. Ha ha ha. The song says it all, I'm a bitch, a lover, a child, a mother (Ahem!), a sinner and a saint. I know I'm out of place when I bitch around. I hate this, I hate that, unreasonable hating, actually. But doesn't anyone hate things for unknown reason/s?

I'm a lover, yet still a bitch. I make you smile, but I also make you "cry". I make you feel happy and satisfied (hopefully), but I also make you feel insecure and all the other horrible shiz you keep hurting from. I'm your dream, yet I'm also your hell. I'm sorry if I'm like this. I always say sorry, yet I always commit the same mistakes, rather same foolishness. I never meant anyone to be affected negatively. This is just how I really am. And I hope you can accept me for this kind of me, rather not more of an angel in disguise. I cause you so much pain, yet so little ease. More of a devil I really am to you, and I don't deny it.

True, this may have to mean you'll have to be a stronger man, strong enough to forget your expectations and try to face reality as it is. We both know that we wouldn't want our expectations to be the other way around. I'm not sure if it's you that I blame, but most likely it's me. I guess both of us just have to adjust to whatever we have right now. If I can't be exactly your dreams, then I'll try to be at least in between of myself and your fantasy.

Vindicated

We fight, we break up

We hug, we make up

I just love the feeling of having a fight with you, then we make up the day after. You just made me realize how hard it is for me to let you go, then again, I probably just can't let you go. You also made me realize so many mistakes I'm living with. I've hurt you enough for you to hate me, but you came back making me feel what I wanted to feel all along. It's just so wonderful that you can always forgive me for everything. Thank you.

It Gets Better Than You Know

This world

This world is cold

But you don't

You don't have to go

You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care

Your mother's gone and your father hits you

This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go

Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days

You say they're way too long

And your nights

You can't sleep at all

Hold on

And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to know more

And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to know more

But we all bleed the same way as you do

And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go

Hold on it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer

Don't stop searching, it's not over

Hold on

What are you looking for?

What are you waiting for?

Do you know what you're doing to me?

Go ahead...What are you waiting for?

Hold on if you feel like letting go

Hold on it gets better than you know

Don't stop looking, you're one step closer

Don't stop searching, it's not over

Hold on if you feel like letting go

Hold on it gets better than you know

Hold on

- Hold On, Good Charlotte

Thank you so much for tonight! It made me feel relieved, washing away the pain which was tearing me apart. Ha ha. I know, it's always my fault, and I thank you so much for trying to understand me at "all" times.

Holding on to something you really love is something not to regret, 'coz being able to keep it 'till the end is the best reward that you can ever get after suffering from all the pain it has brought to you. Confusion is sure to come in the way of holding on, but knowing how you really feel is the remedy. If you value something, don't never let go as long as you can and you have a reason to keep it with you, 'coz in the end, it'll get better than you know.

Now, this is how much I value you. I hope you feel the same. Again, sorry for my every wrong. May the both of us be stronger after each obstacle we are to encounter.

Why do you always make me feel so afraid? Though it's a pain worth feeling and remembering.

Asdfghjkl

Kailan lang, napagtanto kong sadyang hindi ko magawang tiising magalit, o kahit hindi lang pansinin, ang mga taong mahalaga sa akin. Gustuhin ko mang iparamdam sa kanya na hindi nakakatuwa ang ilang bagay, ngunit na-realize kong mas pipiliin kong magpatuloy ang mga ganoong klaseng bagay kaysa naman na hindi siya pansinin ng matagal na panahon. Hindi ko sinasabing nag-eenjoy ako sa mga ganoong gawain, pero kung kailangan kong pumili, mas pipiliin ko na ang bagay na ayaw ko pero gusto niya. Of course, I wouldn't want a person to change just because I'd like him/her to be like that. Mas lalo lang akong magi-guilty kung pagsisisihan niya ang ginawa niyang pagbabagong ayaw naman talaga niya mula pa sa simula. Alam ko rin namang marami rin akong pagkukulang sa maraming bagay, at ni ako, hindi ko iyon magawan ng paraan, may lakas ng loob pa akong makialam sa ibang tao. asdfghjkl

V-day Drama

I will never leave you... Having heard it from you, whether it's a joke or not, I felt it, I really did. It's actually one of the sweetest things I ever heard from you, if I'm not mistaken (and don't take this the wrong way) that was probably the first time I ever heard something sweet from you. You may have not remember it clearly, but still, I believe it was heart-felt, especially the fact that it was said on heart's day.

Actually, you being is mature is what I like best about you, but still, our laughters are epic, not everything though. Just want to let you know, I'm glad I have met you.

Shut Up

Kelan kaya ako matututong manahimik na lang at sarilinin ang lahat ng naiisip ko? Alam ko, masyado akong madaldal, at iyon ay isang napakalaking problema sa sarili ko na hindi ko magawan ng panghabangbuhay na paraan at solusyon. I'm aware na may mga taong nasa paligid ko na may mapagmatiyagang mga mata na maaaring pumansin ng aking mga gawain, pero bakit sadyang napaka-insensitive ko? Gaya ngayon, malamang ay mapupuna na naman itong sinulat kong ito.

Hindi ko rin naman kasi masisisi ang mga tao na magbigay ng di kanais-nais na reaksyon sa mga bagay bagay lalo na't kung napakalabo ng mga pangyayari at sadyang kulang sa tamang paliwanag. Wala naman sa mga intensyon ko sa buhay ang makapanakit ng kapwa, sadyang ito ay parte ng buhay ng bawat tao na mahirap iwasan kahit gaano ka pa kabait. I'm writing everything everything out of random thoughts, kahit ano lang ang maisipan kong i-type ngayon, tinatype ko. I just have to relieve whatever stress I'm having right now.

Naaalala ko tuloy, nung mga unang panahon, whenever I feel something na nakakapagpabagabag ng kalooban ko, I just have to find a random notebook and write everything down, either in iterary form or just random shit. Kaso dumating 'yung time na may nakabasa ng isa kong sinulat about someone, and that was probably the start of my tumaas na level na kadaldalan. Di talaga ako sanay na magsabi sa ibang tao ng mga bumabagabag sa akin, kaya nga maging ako naninibago sa sarili ko ngayon. I wish that I can be the same old Ren na napaka masikreto na tipong walang nakakaalam ng whereabouts ko sa buhay, kung saan napakamalaking misteryo ng personal kong buhay maging sa mata ng mga pinakamalalapit kong kaibigan. Yes, i may look like an extrovert, oo kapag mga public parts ng buhay, pero I like personal stuffs to be kept hidden. May be I should just get a diary at home. Yes yes? I promise I'll try to be back to the same old Ren, kaso baka naman manibago friends ko niyan. As I always say, may isang putang inang _____ na makapagpapabago ng buhay mo. Well, I think I'm better off without the bird-ass mouth. :))

Wala nang time para i-reread pa ito, bahala na lang kung anumang maisip. /wrist I'll probably just reread this some other time. 'Kay, back to whatever I have to do na. :))

I Miss...

I reread comments on my profile pictures and my messages on Facebook. Then I saw your name a number of times, quite frequently I must say. Oh boy, I'm telling you, it really made me smile as if I'm seeing a very dear friend who's been brought back from the dead lol, but seriously, it left a big smile on my face.

As I reread all of your comments and our messages, I suddenly miss the way how we chatted before, very lively, full of non-sense blahs but I find them very worthwhile. I sent you another message and I hope that will not ruin the friendship we had for almost 2 years.

My guts for your glory. Just kidding, well, it really is my guts in exchange of your like-I-already-know-what-to-expect-from-you answer. Though I'm proud I managed to muster the strength to tell you whatever is necessary to be told. Like what I told you, I hate rejections but it's better to at least try than to live with another regret. This is all because you told me I'm being paranoid. Shit you. :))

Train to Nowhere

I'm getting bitchier than the bitch I'm supposed to be. I don't want to share much details. Well, not now, but soon it'll be.

I don't wanna break your heart nor crush your expectations, but there are things that won't leave my train of thoughts. And these things, for how I see them, make me so different from who I was before.

I remembered someone's promise, but that was more than a year ago, and I'm not sure if that someone will fulfill it, promises are meant to be broken anyway. Another is someone's voice repeatedly playing in my head, I think I'm starting to adore that someone more than before. Aside from these two, I keep on doings things I am not supposed to. The pastor's preaching today is like a big bitch slap for me. Lastly, someone said something which made me think about it, whether it was serious, figurative or just an expression.

These thoughts make me feel like I'm having a fight with myself, somehow. I'd rather have someone else to bitch-out than make myself go crazy like this. Well, it feels like I'm only playing with lots of random stuff. I hope someone can bitch-talk me out of this mess I got myself into.

My friends know that I lose my train of thought easily, but here's one fully loaded train.

Déjà vu

The same old story is repeating itself. Please, I don't want it to happen again. No more expectations, no more heartbreaks. It may not be the exact same story, but it's somehow the exact same feeling, only lighter, 'cause the first one was awkward, very very awkward, but it never came to a point like this. Now, I don't know what's better. GAAAAH! I need someone to talk to about this. How I wish that person and I are still close (and often talked) just like before. :))

Thanks to you...

...I felt how it is to be loved, I felt something different burning inside and I felt how hard it is to hide and mask the pain and tell no one how much it hurts. You INSPIRED me, thank you. I wish you knew, but then sometimes I don't, 'cause I will never be able to stand the pain to see you like that despite of knowing how I felt all along. "Loved" you and fuck you. No sarcasm intended, boy.

It's now too late for me to realize that it did not sound right.

Playtime's Over

It's been four years now, if I remember correctly, and memories in my head always seem to be fresh. I don't know what it really was back then, but I am sure, very sure that even for at least a moment I became true to myself, though not in the presence of others. I knew I like you. We were young, and I was so boyish (and probably immature) that I thought I'd never learn to like you. But guessed what, I did, but no one knew. I know it's tragic, but that's just how I am. I deny, all of the time, 'coz I'm confused and I know I wouldn't be proud to have you; it's not that it's your fault, but there's something in me who yearned for more of what I have. I'm irritated 'coz you're too much of a slacker and I hate the way you speak. But despite all those, there was a feeling that lighted inside me, though I chose to just keep it warm inside. We've separated ways, and it only strengthen the grip inside me which caused me pain, a lot of pain. There were nights that I spend crying and hurting myself, because I realized how much of a fool I am to let go of you. You may not be the best, but you were special. I tried to connect to you, but every time our pathways meet, it only gets more and more awkward, as if there was no way of fixing it.

I'm writing this now, with all my heart, 'coz as if everything's taking its step again, though with a lesser pain. I know I treat you as if I wasn't paying any attention to you, but it's just a way of saving whatever we have left from our friends' awkward words. I know I may have intimidated you from the very start of our story on how we met, but it's this cowardly aura in you that told me to give you up. You, your profile, everything there is about you, I want to delete it know from my life, but then I guess, I realized, you're still an important part of my life. I actually thank you for making me feel something different for the first time, and for making me feel loved. You still are special, friend. We may both have moved on, but I'm really glad I met you. After all this, with your new girl in your life, I hope we'll be back to the old barkada where we started.

Finale

What happened this week was the final chapter for that. My misery about this sad story finally ended. I guess if my friends weren't there to give me a push, then nothing like this would have happened, we'll probably just be collecting cobwebs in our heads and will be waiting until time heals whatever we left hanging. Both our prides got in the way, and that was probably the scariest part.

Just like my other friend, it took a long time for us to settle things, and again, I was the one who first approached and tried. (Do I look that intimidating?) But then again, it's probably the same story, only a different person involved this time. I dunno... but again, it ended as if it was really my fault. I made him feel worse, he said, but I was hurt, too. He needed ways to release whatever he was feeling, but I needed it, too, as much as he needed it. I needed a quick and expressive way to release it, and that's the easiest way I can think of. But I was really sorry for making you misunderstood what I was feeling, and I am really glad everything's back to normal (Or maybe it's more than normal). As of now, I dunno where this new story will go. I hope it doesn't get any more awkward than what we had before. I wish not to have any control of it, and only let time be our only guide. Let's just see how this will go. :)

Cogito means...

I was able to chat with someone last night, without him even knowing who I am (or maybe he really knows but pretends not to know). Anyway, the chat was great and satisfying. Great 'coz I missed talking to him the usual way. Satisfying enough to the point that I'm starting to blame myself again. He wasn't really putting all the blames on me, but from what I see, he misunderstood everything that happened, and of course, I know, it's my fault for not explaining everything. But I am sure to myself that I am not guilty about what he said about not wanting him around. Everything last night was indirect, and I hope I am not just assuming. It made me smile though, even just for a bit. :)

Because of this, I'm thinking that everything's my fault, again. I wonder when will I stop giving a damn to this.